Caged

I was feeling relieved, rather calm and rested, happy, peaceful. I made a good choice, finally one that meant my life could be happy and calm. The future looked bright. It seems when I get lulled into that state of happiness something happens to jolt me out of it. Last time it had me on the kitchen floor hyperventilating in panic and an overwhelming sense of dread. This time, just 1 short week later, it had me shaking in fear and panic and the overwhelming realization that the nightmare that is my life will never end. He will always be able to reach me. Terrorize me, steal my peace, my happiness and confidence. He will never go away. He will be there, lurking around the corner with his bag of tricks meant to disarm, manipulate and control me. This nightmare will never truly be over. I can distract myself with work, my son, friends, a good book, but ultimately it's just a matter of days, hours, before the next raging outburst will occur to shake me to the core and bring me to my knees. I think that's why it is taking me so long to recover this time. I finally get it. It's really going to be my existence forever. I have fought for freedom from the pain, the torment, the manic insanity to no avail. I am stuck. Forever.